Tag Archives: rts

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Bub

‘Tis the holiday shopping season, folks, a time when shoppers crowd the stores, the freeway offramps become parking lots near area malls and a gamer’s thoughts turn to all those games they can’t afford. Inevitably, someone in the family who is clueless about gaming (read: most of your family) will make an honest effort to get you something that you want. Very likely it will be something you don’t want. Any family members/girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/grandparents reading? Listen up. Get that gamer a gift certificate from any store that sells games. Make sure it’s for at least $50 and watch the grin appear on their faces come morn. Gamers know what they want; you don’t. Let them do the legwork.

Now, what about games for people you don’t like? A game can make the perfect revenge gift to the annoying person who hogs your PC at all hours, like your brother or cousin Harry — someone who is real arrogant about games and too arrogant to bother reading a hardcore gaming site like Daily Radar. Want to really burn them? Want to spread a bit of holiday jeer? Want to guarantee that they will have to wait in endless return lines in late December? Sure you do. So go ahead and do it with style! Buy them a game they won’t like, and as an extra bonus, buy from a store with a nasty return policy. Here are a few suggestions to get you started. Remember, it’s the thought that counts!

For the Hardcore Gamer: The guy who plays all genres, all styles, everything. Cabela’s Deer Hunter 3. Not only is it a deer hunt sim, but it’s the worst deer hunt sim! This’ll test his “I play everything” stance! Runners up include just about everything else on this list.

For the Flight Sim fanatic: What does a flight sim nut want? I dunno, the list of new titles is growing ever shorter. In fact, the list this past year was so tiny, I was hard pressed to to recommend something suitably bad! Try Luftwaffe Commander. They might like it, but not very much I’d wager.

For the Sports Nut: Too bad Sierra Sport’s Football ’99 got pulled from shelves. It would have been perfect! Lacking that, there are still the two sports games from Fox this year… but those are both barely playable, so the plan might backfire. Go ahead and pick something else from this list instead. I recommend Skydive or Ted Nugent’s Hunting Adventure.

For the Serious 3D Shooter Fan: If you can find it, Trespasser: Jurassic Park fits the bill nicely, but barring that, choose the South Park 3D shooter, Animaniac’s Splat Ball, eXtreme Paintbrawl or Blood 2: The Nightmare Levels, especially if they don’t have Blood 2 … hehehe. If they are of the secular sort, you may want to get them Eternal Warrior’s War in Heaven. It’s a Christian shooter built on what looks like a bastardized Jedi Knight engine, but lacking any 3D graphics support, animation or artificial intelligence. Too bad! Angels vs. devils is a cool concept, no matter what the faith of the game maker, but this one belongs on The Daily Show’s “God Stuff”.

For the Role-Playing Game: Hands down the best way to disappoint one of these renaissance faire freaks is to use them Clash Royale cheats strategy first. Mainly because it pretends to be like Diablo, and falls so far short it isn’t even funny. If your target has a TNT based card and no Internet connection, Ultima IX’s bad case of the bugs will frustrate them beyond belief! Unless they’re really fond of slide shows.

For the Extreme Sports Enthusiast: The choices are endless here; 99% of ESPN2 fodder has made for atrocious gaming. But I’d go with Skydive. Skydive is the anti-game. Press a button to exit the plane, glance at horrible graphics, use two keys to move, aim for ground target, deploy chute, return game. Runners up include Sierra’s Bullriding sim, or better still, Hangsim (hang gliding!).

For the Sim Golfer: PGA Tour and Links LS 2000 can only satisfy this need for a couple of months. I’m sure they’d love a copy of Beavis & Butthead’s Bunghole in One! Not only does it have the hilarious antics of B&B, it also has an incredibly bad mini-golf interface and a mere nine holes!

For the Hardcore FPS Multiplayer Addict: No question… eXtreme Paintbrawl will give them their multiplayer fix in glorious 2D! Bad sound, bad graphics, bad concept, bad execution, hell… it even has a bad uninstaller!

For the Arcade Racer: Aside from the disturbing ‘Bub’ advertisements (probably a Budweiser parody, but damn it, it scared me!) there’s nothing redeeming at all about the gameplay in Boss Rally from Southpeak.

For the Sim Racer: For the guy who feels that Grand Prix Legends wasn’t realistic enough or the guy who posts screenshots of cars he’s won in NFS:High Stakes in his bedroom, get Jeff Gordon XS Racing. It is amazingly fun to watch them get all excited seeing Jeff’s visage on the box, watching him give advice in the FMV and then seeing them play the crappy arcade game. Watch them turn green as their car sprouts wings when airborne and corners by itself. Southpeak’s Boss Rally is the perfect alternate choice. But the disappointment factor of XS racing is too charming to pass up.

For the Adventure Fan: If it’s French, it’s probably bad. This is a good rule of thumb when looking at Myst clones. Try Reah or Amerzone. If they actually like it… there is no human way you could ever possibly hurt them.

For the Game Fan with a P2 266 MHz or lower: Nocturne. Make them gaze lovingly at the screenshots, then moan in terror as the game performs horrifically on their system. Terminal Reality created an engine and technology demo with this one; the gameplay itself is barely there! Don’t get it for someone who has a system that can handle it though… might backfire.

For the Hardcore Trivia Fan (a.k.a That Guy Who Knows Jack): Austin Powers: Operation Trivia was pretty bad, but anyone who knows Jack, knows that Powers makes a good whim gift because people think its really groovy, baby. Instead try Chef’s Luv Shack, unless they’re also a South Park fan … hmmm … maybe a hardcore trivia fan doesn’t deserve a game this year.

Because the holidays are so freaking stressful, Andrew won’t be back until Y2K is in full swing. In other words, the 3rd of January, 2000. He’ll be back to recommend some great ways to spend those gift certificates you’ll (hopefully) be getting! Try and hold off until then! Comments, criticisms, hate mail? – ASDante@execpc.com. Seriously, happy holidays to you and yours! For the Extreme Sports Enthusiast: The choices are endless here; 99% of ESPN2 fodder has made for atrocious gaming. But I’d go with Skydive. Skydive is the anti-game. Press a button to exit the plane, glance at horrible graphics, use two keys to move, aim for ground target, deploy chute, return game. Runners up include Sierra’s Bullriding sim, or better still, Hangsim (hang gliding!).

For the Sim Golfer: PGA Tour and Links LS 2000 can only satisfy this need for a couple of months. I’m sure they’d love a copy of Beavis & Butthead’s Bunghole in One! Not only does it have the hilarious antics of B&B, it also has an incredibly bad mini-golf interface and a mere nine holes!

For the Hardcore FPS Multiplayer Addict: No question… eXtreme Paintbrawl will give them their multiplayer fix in glorious 2D! Bad sound, bad graphics, bad concept, bad execution, hell… it even has a bad uninstaller!

For the Arcade Racer: Aside from the disturbing ‘Bub’ advertisements (probably a Budweiser parody, but damn it, it scared me!) there’s nothing redeeming at all about the gameplay in Boss Rally from Southpeak.

For the Sim Racer: For the guy who feels that Grand Prix Legends wasn’t realistic enough or the guy who posts screenshots of cars he’s won in NFS:High Stakes in his bedroom, get Jeff Gordon XS Racing. It is amazingly fun to watch them get all excited seeing Jeff’s visage on the box, watching him give advice in the FMV and then seeing them play the crappy arcade game. Watch them turn green as their car sprouts wings when airborne and corners by itself. Southpeak’s Boss Rally is the perfect alternate choice. But the disappointment factor of XS racing is too charming to pass up.

For the Adventure Fan: If it’s French, it’s probably bad. This is a good rule of thumb when looking at Myst clones. Try Reah or Amerzone. If they actually like it… there is no human way you could ever possibly hurt them.

For the Game Fan with a P2 266 MHz or lower: Nocturne. Make them gaze lovingly at the screenshots, then moan in terror as the game performs horrifically on their system. Terminal Reality created an engine and technology demo with this one; the gameplay itself is barely there! Don’t get it for someone who has a system that can handle it though… might backfire.

For the Hardcore Trivia Fan (a.k.a That Guy Who Knows Jack): Austin Powers: Operation Trivia was pretty bad, but anyone who knows Jack, knows that Powers makes a good whim gift because people think its really groovy, baby. Instead try Chef’s Luv Shack, unless they’re also a South Park fan … hmmm … maybe a hardcore trivia fan doesn’t deserve a game this year.